Uproar over Tom Brady Suspension Prompts Emergency Press Conference
Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner, has taken the unusual step of meeting with the media to discuss the four game suspension of Tom Brady, which was combined with additional penalties of forfeited draft picks and the largest fine ever levied against an NFL team. Notable quotes from the prepared statement and responses to the media's questions are below.
From the statement:
Rodger Goodell "Although I don't usually speak to the media about NFL discipline, there are enough far- fetched theories out there that I wanted to take an opportunity to set the record straight. Yes, when one looks back at historical punishments typically doled out by the league office, the penalty against the Patriots - for a minor rules infraction that probably had no affect whatsoever on actual games - looks a bit harsh. But this is the NEW NFL, and cheaters will be held to the highest standard to keep our game pure. No one is above the game, and all players will now be subject to new penalties for any behavior outside the rules, in an attempt to "get an edge". The rules are the rules, and there can not be any double standards for anyone. With this in mind, the following penalties in NFL games will be adjusted by the competition committee in the coming weeks.
1) Offensive Holding: Offensive Holding results in a 1 game suspension, and ejection from the current game. Repeat offenders will receive a two-game suspension, and then a three-game suspension and so forth.
2) Pass Interference: Pass interference results in a 1 game suspension, and ejection from the current game. Repeat offenders will be progressively suspended as per offensive holding. Pass Interference in the end zone will result in a 3 game suspension.
3) Roughing the passer: 2 game suspension.
4) Unsportsmanlike conduct: Suspended for season.
5) False Start: Opposing team gets 2 points. Offending player fined $500,000.
6) Defensive Holding: Ejection.
And there are many more penalties that we will be reviewing and updating in the new NFL. No more cheaters!! I'll take your questions now.
...the league will have INTEGRITY! Think of the example we'll set for the kids. No Cheaters, No Liars. --Rodger Goodell
Jaqulyn Hendricks, New York Post: "These are routine penalties, that occur in every football game. Aren't these penalties a little harsh?"
Rodger Goodell: "Aren't you listening? They are CHEATERS. These players are doing things against the rules to get an edge. I won't, I mean the NFL won't stand for that. Worse, after every penalty, the players whine and say (Godell adopts a mocking tone), 'Ref, Ref, I didn't do it! I didn't do it! C'mon ref'. Not only are they cheaters, they are LIARS too. No cheaters, no LIARS.
Greg Doyal, Indy Star: "Mr. Goodell, ...
Goodell: "Commissioner. Commissioner Goodell."
Greg Doyal, Indy Star: "Yes of course, Commissioner Goodell, ..."
Goodell: "Or just Commish. I like Commish."
Greg Doyal, Indy Star: "Commissioner Goodell, with all the suspensions, aren't you worried that rosters will be devastated?"
Goodell: "Possibly, but the league will have INTEGRITY! Think of the example we'll set for the kids. No Cheaters, No Liars."
Greg Doyal, Indy Star: (muttering) "No fans either..."
Goodell: "I'll ignore that! Next question. Bob?"
Bob Condetta, Seattle Times: "What will happen to players who are suspended for actually trying to hurt other players? I'm mean, this is just the ball, it's not like anyone one got hurt. What if someone steps on someone, on purpose, or kicks them in the groin with an attempt to injure? Wasn't Suh fined a measly $30,000 for kicking a player right in the cojones? And his suspension was overturned despite stepping on Aaron Rodgers, rather deliberately?
Goodell: "Well, obviously, those actions will result in ejection from the league, and they will have to surrender their phones to the commissioners office."
Jaqulyn Hendricks, New York Post: "Why do you need the phones? To check the text messages for intent?"
Goodell: "Don't be ridiculous! We need the phones so we can look at their private cell phone pictures. Many of the players have some pretty hot wives you know."
Jaqulyn Hendricks, New York Post: "You're not actually saying you wanted Tom Brady's phone just so you could check out some of Giselle's Booty pictures on his phone are you?"
Goodell:"No, not just me. Tom Wells thought that would be fun too. She's a Supermodel, you know. Besides, then we 'leak' the photos to the internet, and that's always a good time."
Bob Condetta, Seattle Times: "Commish, aren't you worried that this could impact the quality of the entertainment?"
Goodell:"How is that my problem? Let me be clear, I don't care if we have CFL rejects out there on the field, as long as they protect the integrity of the shield."
Mike Reese, ESPN: "Aren't you worried that the NFL's behavior is a double standard?"
Goodell:"Double Standard? Can you be more specific?"
Mike Reese, ESPN: "Well, you changed the Ray Rice discipline after already announcing a punishment. Isn't that pushing the spirit of the leagues' discipline policy?"
Goodell: "Listen, there were very specific reasons for that. Everyone knows that I didn't see the tape when the initial punishment was laid down. I needed an edge, don't you see?"
Mike Reese, ESPN: "Except that 'everyone' isn't so sure that you didn't see the tape, Mr. Goodell. Most people think that you did see the tape. And then you lied about it. Many people think it's 'more probable than not' that you are a liar, and cheater, making up the NFL rules to suit your own petty grudges."
Goodell: (Eyes bulging, spittle forming) "That's preposterous! NO CHEATERS! NO LIARS!"
Mike Reese, ESPN: "Well, you might be able to convince everyone if you just handed over your phone, so we could see the text messages during the scandal."
Goodell: "My phone? This is my PERSONAL property, Mr. Reese, and Nobody gets my phone. I'm about to break my own CandyCrush record anyway. Besides, I haven't committed a crime. I'm not a criminal. I haven't beaten anybody up, or committed child abuse, or intentionally tried to hurt anyone. A minor infraction at best. "
Mike Reese, ESPN: "It's funny, that's what Tom Brady says too."
Goodell: "Alright, that's it. It's clear that the media doesn't care about fairness or integrity. I'm going back to my office and I'm going to suspend all your media privileges. You hear that? You're out of a job! This is the last time you'll screw with me! I'll suspend the whole 2015 season! I'll...."
It was at this point that the power to the microphone went out and a couple of Goodell security guards escorted him from the building. Press conference over I guess.
Well, at least it's all cleared up.
